{"id":19247,"date":"2017-10-24T10:52:49","date_gmt":"2017-10-24T14:52:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.runkevinrun.com\/?p=19247"},"modified":"2017-10-24T10:52:49","modified_gmt":"2017-10-24T14:52:49","slug":"wallow-kevin-wallow","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/runkevinrun.com\/?p=19247","title":{"rendered":"Wallow, Kevin. Wallow."},"content":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s impossible to define a person by one single line, yet we often do just that.\u00a0 Whether it\u2019s the Bridget Jones style of introducing someone at a party with thoughtful details, or the personality types in work-place communication seminars, there are \u201cquintessence\u201d identifiers we use as shorthand for ourselves and others.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s Alex \u2013 he doesn\u2019t wear shoes.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s JJ \u2013 she\u2019s in a rock band.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s Kevin \u2013 he runs marathons.<\/p>\n

This very website is predicated on the notion that I, Kevin, run.\u00a0 It even features the word \u201crun\u201d in the URL twice.\u00a0 So it\u2019s one of those defining characteristics of me as a person.<\/p>\n

And yet I find myself unable to run.\u00a0 The damage I have done through a recent fall exacerbated by running a race this past week feels\u2026 irreparable?\u00a0 I have no one to blame but myself.\u00a0 It is as if I had a blowout on my car and decided, oh, well, it\u2019ll be fine to drive on this rim of a wheel for another 1000 miles \u2013 what\u2019s the harm in that?\u00a0 And now the frame is bent, the axle is all out of whack, and frankly I find myself with stabbing lightning bolts of pain depending on my movement, be it shifting positions while sitting (or sleeping) or trying to move about my small little hovel of a house.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s only been a few days and yet I find myself wondering if I\u2019ll ever be able to run again.\u00a0 That\u2019s overly dramatic and foolish but it has led me down a dark path of what will I do when inevitably I cannot run again\u2026 and the realization that that day is far closer than I had imagined.<\/p>\n

Though there\u2019s a danger of this turning into \u201cwallowkevinwallow.com,\u201d I do find myself sinking into the depressive quick sand.\u00a0 It\u2019s not like in the movies where every action seemingly sinks you faster and faster to the waist, the torso, to the neck in mere moments.\u00a0 True quick sand is not so quick<\/a>\u2026 it\u2019s more of an insidious slow creep and even then it\u2019s more likely you\u2019ll be stuck rather than sink into oblivion.\u00a0 But stuck and alone and wallowing can be just as dangerous and deadly as the suffocating swallowing of the movies for our hapless Kevin.<\/p>\n

Or so it seems to me.\u00a0 And I\u2019m Kevin.\u00a0 And I\u2019m wallowing.\u00a0 So, well, there ya go.<\/p>\n

I really am in a lot of pain.\u00a0 I really am in a depressed state that spirals downward.\u00a0 I feel physically terrible, I drown my sorrows in panic attack binge eatings that make me feel worse about myself emotionally and physically, and then I find myself seeking comfort in lousy choices (I\u2019ll just lie here in a fit of slothdom…I\u2019ll just open this bag of cookies\u2026 I’ll just… sigh) only to have the walls close in on me and make me feel ever more helpless and pathetic.<\/p>\n

And yet my efforts these days to rise up lead only to more stabbing pains and shaky legs.\u00a0 I physically cannot walk in a straight line without grabbing onto something to steady me through the pain of movement.<\/p>\n

What have I done?<\/p>\n

When introduced in the future it won\u2019t be, \u201cthis is Kevin \u2013 he runs marathons.\u201d<\/p>\n

It may be at best, \u201cThis is Kevin \u2013 you wouldn\u2019t know it by looking at him but he used to run marathons.\u201d<\/p>\n

At its truest though it may be, \u201cThis is Kevin \u2013 he\u2019s stupid.\u00a0 He\u2019s got a blog \u2013it\u2019s all about the things he\u2019s ruined over the years.\u00a0 It\u2019s called www.ruinkevinruin.com.\u201d<\/p>\n

I feel terrible.\u00a0 And I worry it’s the new normal.<\/p>\n

Insider tip: When feeling awful and sad and frustrated and body-type hating, it is a colossal mistake to step on the scale to see what the weight damage might be.\u00a0 This will only movie-making-style suck you deeper and deeper into the sandy deathtrap known as depression.\u00a0 So basically per usual the advice is don’t do as Kevin does.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s impossible to define a person by one single line, yet we often do just that.\u00a0 Whether it\u2019s the Bridget Jones style of introducing someone at a party with thoughtful details, or the personality types in work-place communication seminars, there are \u201cquintessence\u201d identifiers we use as shorthand for ourselves and others. That\u2019s Alex \u2013 he […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-19247","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/runkevinrun.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19247","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/runkevinrun.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/runkevinrun.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/runkevinrun.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/runkevinrun.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=19247"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/runkevinrun.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19247\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/runkevinrun.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=19247"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/runkevinrun.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=19247"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/runkevinrun.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=19247"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}