It\u2019s gotten so bad that I almost started this post with the line:<\/p>\n
\u201cWebster\u2019s Dictionary defines \u2018threshold\u2019 as, amongst other definitions, \u2018the point at which a physiological or psychological effect begins to be produced.\u2019\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
But I haven\u2019t quite hit that point yet.<\/p>\n
A number of personal thresholds are being crossed by about me at the moment.\u00a0 After close to a year of trying to break through a weight barrier, I\u2019ve crossed a different threshold, an opposite, upper tier that puts me thirty pounds over my goal weight.\u00a0 Part of this is due to a too-long period of binging indulgence in unhealthy, nutritionally suspect and fattening foods that were consumed to offer comfort in the face of adversity, stress, and failure.\u00a0 Coupled with all of that was the partial cause of that adversity, stress, and failure \u2013 a lingering back and hip injury that finally had me stop all running entirely.\u00a0 I have done little to nothing but wallow on the couch, a series of analgesics adhered to various points hoping to gain relief.\u00a0 And so while telling myself that the sloth was necessary to heal, I also told myself that gluttony provides the energy for the process\u2026 and a mental balm to boot.<\/p>\n
In truth, it\u2019s all just made me feel oh-so-worse.\u00a0 Today I hit a new low.\u00a0 After a restless night\u2019s sleep that capped a day\u2019s worth of nothingness, I awoke feeling worse than ever.\u00a0 Truly, I did noting yesterday, not even leaving my house.\u00a0 I feel awful, the junk food \u201ccomfort\u201d providing a sense of physical and mental spirals.<\/p>\n
Years ago I had taken almost six weeks off with an ankle injury that I feared would derail my running thereafter.\u00a0 I sought a Physical Therapist who offered much in the way of advice but little in the way of solution.\u00a0 It just took time.. and ultimately it came down to what my doctor told me at the beginning of seeking treatment: I could start running again based on my pain threshold.\u00a0 If I could endure the pain, I could run.<\/p>\n
I’m aware that\u2019s very reductive and probably not what she said; she probably said ‘rest it up and don\u2019t run until you feel better.’\u00a0 But what exactly does ‘feeling better’ even mean?\u00a0 What does that look like?\u00a0 Because right now, feeling like this, \u201cbetter\u201d would be an easy bar to reach.\u00a0 I wouldn\u2019t feel ‘well’ or ‘healthy,’ but I could easily see ‘feeling better’ than this.<\/p>\n
This is of course my roundabout way of saying (without saying for fear of tempting fate), \u2018well, it can\u2019t get much worse\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n
I just cancelled my dinner plans for tonight as I can barely move.\u00a0 I\u2019m supposed to fly to Seoul, South Korea, tomorrow.\u00a0 Everything is paid.\u00a0 I had been looking forward to it, to visiting and running in a place I\u2019d never been before.\u00a0 But right not I\u2019m trying to decide if it\u2019s even worth going to the airport.\u00a0 I have to return my rental car at the very least tomorrow which means I\u2019ll be at the airport and confronted with the choice of an uber home or a plane to Asia.<\/p>\n
Everything seems pointless and hopeless.\u00a0 There\u2019s a Rubicon crossed, a threshold to be sure\u2026 but I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s a “too late to go forward” or “too late to go back” Rubicon.\u00a0 There aren’t any signs here.<\/p>\n
Like most men, I have a very low pain threshold.\u00a0 It\u2019s a good thing I am not Arnold Schwarzenegger in \u201cJunior\u201d as I certainly couldn\u2019t endure the pains of childbirth (to all the mothers out there, respect).\u00a0 But I also have a very low threshold for wallowing.\u00a0 If I don\u2019t get out of this soon, I fear the next weight gain threshold will be crossed exponentially faster than this one.\u00a0 And emotionally I can\u2019t seem to handle anything.\u00a0 A painful run, even one that may or may not destroy future runs, may be necessary if only to try and shake out of this funk and mood.<\/p>\n
I long to run\u2026 but it hurts to even walk.\u00a0 I wish to race\u2026 but it is painful to even move.<\/p>\n
I stand at the brink, the threshold to tomorrow.\u00a0 I have no good options and am not even sure what the lesser of two evils might be.<\/p>\n
Damn.<\/p>\n
Damn, damn, damn.<\/p>\n
Hell.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It\u2019s gotten so bad that I almost started this post with the line: \u201cWebster\u2019s Dictionary defines \u2018threshold\u2019 as, amongst other definitions, \u2018the point at which a physiological or psychological effect begins to be produced.\u2019\u201d But I haven\u2019t quite hit that point yet. A number of personal thresholds are being crossed by about me at the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-31102","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/runkevinrun.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31102","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/runkevinrun.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/runkevinrun.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/runkevinrun.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/runkevinrun.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=31102"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/runkevinrun.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31102\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/runkevinrun.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=31102"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/runkevinrun.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=31102"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/runkevinrun.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=31102"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}