My alarm is set for 2:30 AM… far too early both in my philosophical mindset and in the reality of getting to the shuttle buses.
I know it’s too early. I know they say to be there by 3:45 AM for the shuttles but I also know that’s more than likely with the administrative foresight of budgeting for stragglers. I always take deadlines too literally. And I even have empirical evidence that this is ridiculously early as two years ago I wound up doing the exact same thing I’m planning on doing now — arriving ahead of the appointed hour.
I don’t know if it’s an intrinsic genetic code, if it’s in my nature or if it’s as a result of life experiences, the nurture, that has me err on the side of being early. It’s no doubt a combination of the two… as with all things in life, there rarely is just a single cause or reason for one’s humanity. There’s a multitude of factors, a continuum of stimuli and while we all desperately seek the one simple solution, the one thing to point to and say, “this! If not for this…!” But the truth is murky and muddy and messy when it comes to the human condition.
I vaguely recall a wild-eyed high school music director scribbling on a chalk board a favorite conductor’s quote one early morning at band camp. “Early is on time; on time is late… and late is unacceptable.”
Note: A quick google search implies this is from bandleader Buddy Rich.
Whatever the reason, I find myself anxiously checking my clock and double- and triple- checking my alarm.
I re-read the post I did in 2016 for this race and honestly it was a pretty good piece. Far better than anything I’ve written of late. I don’t know if the ensuing two years of political and social upheaval has dimmed my hope or if time has just taken its toll. But I do seem less… up than I was in mid 2016. Certainly the world of today is not what I had imagined the future being; we seem to have veered off into a parallel realm where up is down, down is up, fact is fake and fiction is red meat sop for a bullying segment of the people. I am most assuredly downbeat about the future hereafter as so much damage has been done to hopes and aspirations, to feelings of justice and pride in freedoms. We have lowered the level of discourse to playground taunts and shoving matches, to name calling and coercions. The possibility of dialogue is predicated on respect and rationality. Abusive hysteria, fear and hate mongering are not helpful in communicating. That way leads to isolation and anger but perhaps worst of all it leads to stagnation — if you’re not open to hearing a different point of view, a different idea, how can you ever hope to progress and evolve?
I’m not saying anything of consequence or meaning. I’m just rambling early/late at night. I feel guilty that the past few days, weeks, months have seen my writing and thoughts plummet down to seemingly infinite depths.
I’ve decided tomorrow to run and just try and enjoy the day. I’m trying to recapture a bit of swagger, a bit of fun, a bit of the old me… or rather the younger me. Because the old me is getting old.
Again, not much relevance or point to this… just something to dash off in the night to try and clear the mechanism for tomorrow’s run.
All things being Equalizer 2, good thing I didn’t have that glass of wine at the movies. Gods only know what might have been spilled here.
