Defeated.
Physically. Emotionally. Socially. Spiritually.
I am feeling just… defeated.
And a lot of it comes from the first defeat — the physical. My right thigh and knee ripple pain with every footfall attempt in “running.” I haven’t run in almost four weeks. I’ve tried a few tentative steps here and there… even went so far as to push through 2 miles the other day after a chiropractor session hoping to determine where I was. I struggled with breath and stamina on that minimal distance and my leg was unforgiving of my folly. Even if tomorrow I woke up feeling 100% strong in my body, I would have to begin training at a zero state.
And that’s if the physical malady were resolved. But that doesn’t seem likely given that the X-rays still haven’t been shared with me regarding the pain, I don’t know if I need an MRI, and if anything I seem to be doing worse with each passing “rest” day.
I used to be able to run a marathon every weekend. Hell, I used to be able to run 7 marathons in 7 states in 7 days. And now I struggle to even walk 2 miles, let alone run them.
Emotionally this has been catastrophic. What used to be my “happy place,” my bit for stress release, my coping mechanism for life’s ups and downs, has become an impossibility. This amidst a global pandemic, a breakdown in social justice, and a government oblivious and/or antagonistic to the needs of citizens or society as a whole. That’s the social defeat I’m facing as well. I’m just… overwhelmed with the problems of the world and a feeling of helplessness.
And spiritually? I look with envy and jealousy at those who are running. I see people running when I’m in the car on my way to the grocery store, one of the few places I go even now as governments push to reopen despite rising Covid-19 figures. The less interaction the more safety it seems to me. I see people running in front of my house or passing me when I do intermittently muster the effort to try and walk a mile or two in the misguided belief that it’s “training.” I resent the ease people have in their strides. It’s petty and beneath me… and only contributes to a disappointment in myself that spirals round and round… circling the drain of self-pity.
It’s a bad time and I’m just going to unplug and walk away for a bit. That feels like giving into the darker forces of history and society and feels like even more of a defeat. But for now, I just can’t seem to rise to the challenges of life. I’ve seen my doctor and a chiropractor. I’ve had lab tests run. I’ve done the whole RICE (Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevate) thing. I’ve curtailed running and avoided running though would go for “check-ups” at the advice of the doctors to see if I was improving… only to consistently discover things are not going well.
I used to be able to do this — to run, to cope, to live. And like so much of 2020, nothing seems to be working right.
I am defeated.
Physically. Emotionally. Socially. Spiritually.
This is a dark ride.